How Not to Get Submitted by a Purple Belt

Since our last belt testing, it seems we have more purple belts roving around then any other belt. Many people come to Jiu-Jitsu class every day and see people getting submitted and maimed by rogue purple belts. I’m sure they’re wondering how they can avoid being mauled by roving bands of purple belts. Well, I’m here to give you some effective survival techniques that you can use to keep from being injured or maimed if faced with rabid purple belts on the hunt for blood.

During a routine practice, it’s possible that you may be accosted and submitted by wild purple belts for something as stupid as, say, extending your arm out straight. If you find yourself in this situation, DO NOT PANIC!!! Purple belts have an innate and finely tuned attack instinct. That is to say, if you panic, they’ll take advantage of your show of weakness and maul you to pieces.

If you find yourself on the mat being hunted like a prey animal after you do something insignificant, like trying to sneak up behind a purple belt to sink in a rear naked choke, we already know you shouldn’t panic. Nor should you try to trap them in your closed guard.

Purple belts have a special relationship with the closed guard. They’ve wasted a lot of time hanging out in the closed guard, figuring out all kinds of sneaky ways to get out and around it. They HATE closed guards. They hate a closed guard more than puppies or rainbows. They will submit anyone who tries to trap them in a closed guard unnecessarily.

If you find yourself unwittingly holding a purple belt in a closed guard, and you see other purple belts beginning to gather around, you should open your guard immediately, and then play dead. They will lose interest and go away. If you keep them in your closed guard they will start to tease you. It’s like when a cat corners a mouse, and swats at it, and toys with it before it kills the mouse. They start off by telling you something like, “Man you look really fat. Did you eat a whole cake today?” When this aggressive verbal taunting doesn’t work, they use one of their fancy guard passes and make you flail around for their amusement. If you don’t open your guard, they get tired of messing with you, force you to open your guard, then mount you and choke you out. And just before you pass out, they’ll whisper something in your ear, like, “Who’s your daddy now?”

Some days it seems wild purple belts just show up in class with their game face on, staring you down for no reason like they hate you. Always remember, purple belts hate puppies and rainbows, and anyone else they can intimidate into submitting before the fight even starts.

If confronted by raving maniac purple belts at your school for no reason with their game face on, staring you down, DO NOT STARE BACK!!! The whole thing with you being an innocent bystander goes out the window when you lock eyes and say, “Game on.” If by chance you stare back, and the crazy purple belt looks away, DO NOT STARE BACK A SECOND TIME!!! You may avoid getting wrapped up like a pretzel the first time. The second time you will not.

Apparently rabid purple belts are overcome by an insane rage if you happen to get the better of one of them. While I'm not sure how this uncontrollable anger has developed from an evolutionary standpoint, I am certain that submitting one of them is a surefire way to draw the ire of any roaming purple belt in the area.

You should remember that the wild purple belts are very unpredictable when in a normal state. Like any wild animal, the danger is doubled when you startle them. If you mistakenly cross the path of a purple belt in the wild, you should immediately fall to the ground, cover your face and head, and curl into ball. You have to show the purple belt you are not a threat. If you fail to follow this advice, the outcome could be tragic.

We all know how dangerous roving bands of rabid purple belts can be. By reading this you can greatly reduce the chances of being mauled or seriously injured if you happen upon these dangerous, mindless creatures.